Finding myself again

As a reentered into society after Brian died in August, I often felt like the white elephant in the room.

I felt an awkwardness around me – some of it real, some of it probably imagined. What should I say when someone asks how I am? Should I laugh along when someone lovingly complains about their spouse even though I’m mad at myself for being envious of them. I’d scan the room and think,” that person is giving me a look,” or “that person doesn’t know what to say to me,” or “ that person is just going to ignore me.”

Fortunately, we all were able to fumble through some awkward moments. And truly, there have been many not-so-awkward moments, and numerous people – too many to count- have graciously made me feel comfortable to be out “in the wild” again.

It’s been more than six months now, and though I still can’t tolerate large crowds of people for long periods of time, getting out has become easier, and I am thankful for everyone out there who has helped me through this.

One thing I learned through GriefShare, a grief recovery support group, is that while being a widow (or someone who has lost a close relative or friend) is a part of you, it does not define you. Yes, I lost my husband, and it is something that will impact me the rest of my life, but the world around me continues to move on. I’ve got to find a way to move with it while acknowledging my grief. Right now, sometimes it feels like I’m in the breakdown lane while everyone else is whizzing by in the fast lane, but, in due time, I’ll be able to keep up with traffic.

Another thing I learned in GriefShare is that grief changes you, and maybe I have changed a bit. In many ways, I’m still the same person I was before. I don’t function well in the morning before a cup of coffee, I find listening to true crime podcasts relaxing, I like taking pictures of vegetables that look like other things, I like the color orange, I enjoy Hula Hooping and taking walks outside, and I still manage to find joy and wonder in simple things.

I’ve had to learn a new way to get by in life. I’m not as afraid to ask for help, and I’m learning to not be as afraid to stand up for myself. When a heart breaks, it can be repaired, but there will always be cracks to remind you of the journey you took to heal.

Liz Gotthelf is the publisher of Saco Bay News. She is stumbling through life after the recent and unexpected loss of her husband, and will periodically write columns about it as she processes everything. She can be reached at newsdesk@sacobaynews.com.