Asking for help can be hard

I’ve always prided myself on being an independent person, so when there came a time that I needed help, I found it not only difficult to ask for help, but difficult to articulate what it was I actually needed.

In the hours and days after Brian died, when people asked what they could do to help, there was nothing I wanted but to bring Brian back. Unfortunately, that was never going to happen, and I had to push away hope of the impossible and focus on my day-to-day needs.

There were many people who wanted to help but they didn’t know what it was I needed and I didn’t know what to tell them. So many good intentions just hanging in the air.

I discovered that giving someone a specific task, no matter how basic or unimportant it seemed, was the best approach. I was inundated with cookies, chocolate, ice cream and other delicious treats. I’m definitely not complaining about this, but I didn’t want my mother, who is diabetic, to miss out while she was visiting.

I was going to go downtown to get some sugar-free gelato, but I just didn’t have the energy to do it. So, I messaged one of those good-meaning people who said to let them know if I needed anything and I asked if they could get me a pint of sugar-free chocolate gelato. Done. I got something I needed but just couldn’t get at the moment, and they were happy they could help me. Win/win.

When I found myself unprepared to have overnight guests in my house, I put a message on a group text of friends from my Rotary Club to see if anyone had a cot I could borrow. Soon after, a couple of camping cots and a sleeping bag were delivered to my home.

I still find it difficult to ask for help and admit that I may need help. I imagine it’s also hard for people to offer help because grief can be awkward, and they just don’t know what to say.

Many people have, and continue to help me, and I thank all of you. There are many different ways of helping, and all have been appreciated. Some people have made meals, dropped off baked goods, or given money. Others have taken me out to lunch, bought me a cup of coffee, invited me to a crafting class, or taken me for a ride on the Ferris Wheel. Some have written stories or columns when I was unable to fulfill my duties as publisher.  Others continue to periodically call, text, or email me to say they’re thinking about me and ask me how I’m doing that day.

Friends I haven’t seen in years, or in some cases decades, have sent cards, money, and heartfelt messages. There are people I have never met who have donated money to Saco Bay News and sent me an email to say that they’ve enjoyed reading my grief columns.

This is a difficult time, but I don’t have to do life alone. And some day, when I see someone else in a similar situation, I hope I can lend them a hand.

Liz Gotthelf is the publisher of Saco Bay News. She is stumbling through life after the recent and unexpected loss of her husband, and will periodically write columns about it as she processes everything. She can be reached at newsdesk@sacobaynews.com.