Giving grace while grieving

My brother-in-law and I were sitting at my kitchen table one morning going through the pile of sympathy cards we received after my husband’s death.

I opened a card from a friend, who now lives out-of-state, that I hadn’t seen in years. I read out loud the handwritten note inside the card, that started with, “I don’t know what to say.”

My brother-in-law declared it the best and most honest card we’d received.

After Brian died, many people said that exact same thing – “I don’t know what to say.”

“It’s okay,” I’d say. “I don’ t know what to say either.”

Because, really, I didn’t. Death, especially when it's unexpected, is hard to wrap your mind around. And it’s even harder to talk about.

People often say seemingly stupid things because they’re not sure what to say, but they feel like they have to say something. They may go on and on about something inane just to avoid the topic. They may say something implausible, like “you’ll feel better soon,” because sadness makes them uncomfortable and it would be easier if you weren’t sad. Some people may feel so awkward about it that they’ll just ignore you.

I can’t expect everyone to say the perfect thing. We all have put our foot in our mouth at some point in our lives. Typically in those situations, the other person will get over it, and you can laugh about it sometime later. When you’re grieving it’s hard to laugh at someone’s poor choice of words, but, as long as their words weren’t intentionally hurtful, you can, in time, forgive them.

As hard as it is when you’re grieving, sometimes you’ve got to give people a pass. If something really bothers you, maybe you can muster up the courage sometime and talk with them about their choice of words. I did this once with someone, and I think it brought us to a better understanding of each other.

And maybe sometimes, they’ll come around on their own. That person who rattled on about another topic so they could avoid talking about the death of my husband texted me later and apologized because they didn’t know what to say. That person who kept avoiding me at public events emailed me a few weeks later to tell me one of my grief columns was powerful.

One thing I’ve learned is it’s important to give people grace. If you get hung up on someone’s poor choice of words and let it fester, anger and bitterness is going to consume you. Nobody is perfect, and I hope some day when I say something unintentionally stupid, someone gives me grace.

Liz Gotthelf is the publisher of Saco Bay News. She is stumbling through life after the recent and unexpected loss of her husband, and will periodically write columns about it as she processes everything. She can be reached at newsdesk@sacobaynews.com.