Christmas hits different this year

Someone recently asked me if Brian and I had any Christmas traditions.

“We got stressed out together,” I blurted out, because it was the first thing that came to mind.

Holidays were aways a little stressful for us. With relatives congregating in three different New England states (none of which were Maine) it was always challenging to figure out a schedule. Who should we see when? Who will get skipped this year, and can we make them a priority next year?

Then there were the presents. What should we get for the Yankee Swap – a serious gift or a fun gift? When that person said that they don’t want to exchange gifts, did they really mean it or are they going to pull a fast one and give us a present while we’re empty handed.

And then the food. This person is allergic to this, this person hates that, this person always has too much of something else. We always joked that we were going to stay home. But we never did, and somehow, despite our bah humbug attitudes, everything turned out okay in the end and we had a good time catching up with relatives and indulging in too much food.

I miss all the things that used to annoy me. Brian spending way too much emotional energy on making a carrot cake and saying it was awful when everyone else loved it. Me standing in a specialty store debating for far too long how many blocks of Maine-made Amish cheese to buy.

It was stressful, but our stress always had a purpose. But this year, it’s stressful in another way, and not in a way that’s motivating.

Having recently lost my husband, it’s hard to walk around in a world where everything is merry and bright and everyone is dishing out holiday cheer.

When I see all the beautiful Christmas decorations, I can usually stick around at an event long enough for a hot chocolate and a candy cane and appreciate the beauty. Sometimes, if I stay too long, I’m flooded with memories of years past and a reminder that this year the person I loved more than anyone else on earth is gone.

This year is different, and I’m not going to pretend otherwise. I’m not going to try to make everything the same as it was last year. I’m not going to force myself to be overly festive if I don’t want to. I’m taking it day by day.

Some holiday events are fine, and even enjoyable. Others are okay for a while. Some are just heartbreaking. Likewise, some days are good, and others, not so much.

A friend invited me to a wreath making workshop, and it was fun focusing on something crafty and spending time with friends. Another friend quietly suggested I decorate the wreath with an angel, which I presumed meant to honor Brian. I did, and the wreath is hanging up on my front door. That’s about as festive as I’m going to get at my house this year, and it’s good enough for me right now.

So what am I doing for Christmas? I honestly am not sure, and that’s okay. It’s not the same as it was last year, and I don’t need to try to make it look the same. What I need to do is take care of myself and honor the day in a way that feels right for now.

Liz Gotthelf is the publisher of Saco Bay News. She is stumbling through life after the recent and unexpected loss of her husband, and will periodically write columns about it as she processes everything. She can be reached at newsdesk@sacobaynews.com.