Lessons in Mediocrity

Since I am literally on the cusp of turning 60 this week, I thought for this installment of All Along The Watchtower, I would share 60 different things I have learned (sometimes the hard way) over the past 60 years. Here we go:

Alpacas are better than Llamas. Fact.

It’s okay for a grown man to cry during a movie, even if it’s Dumbo. Such behavior demonstrates empathy and significantly decreases your odds of becoming a serial killer.

Owning a dog is probably the closest you will ever come to meeting God before you die.

Cherish and nurture your friendships. Never take them for granted. Those relationships are more precious than gold.

Having and raising children is a sure-fire method of forgiving your parents for any transgressions.

Always go with the higher-quality toilet paper. Two-ply or better. It may cost more at the register but you will save money in how much you need.

Every single person has done silly and stupid things. Forgive yourself for the same behavior.

If you are going to drink Scotch, ALWAYS go with a single malt.

When eating out, be willing to try something new.

Say “I love you” every single day to your spouse, your child or your dog. Then follow it up with an act of love.

If you travel to a foreign country, try to learn a few basic phrases of their national language, i.e. Please, Thank you, Hello, Goodbye, Good Morning and Good Night.

Always tip your servers and bartenders at least 20 percent. If you can’t afford that, you can’t afford to eat out.

 Respect your elders. With any luck, you will be their age someday.

Never, ever, ever add a liquid accelerant (gasoline, kerosene, etc.) onto a campfire in progress.

If you join the military, don’t pack a lot of stuff for your first day at boot camp. You won’t need it.

Everyone should have the experience of a night in jail. It really changes your perspective.

Moderation is nice, but a second piece of pie is better.

At least once in your life, jump into the north Atlantic Ocean in January. You will never feel more alive.

Try to do one random act of kindness each day, even something as simple as letting someone else cut in front of you in traffic.

Take good care of your teeth. Just trust me on this.

Live in different states across the country.

Teenagers should be required to read Kerouac and Hunter S. Thompson. Seniors should read those books again before judging young people.

Remember: every person, including you, has an expiration date. Act accordingly.

Watch The Godfather for lessons in loyalty; watch Jaws to learn respect for nature; and watch The Blues Brothers to learn about having fun and paying your debts.

Get a library card and use it frequently.

Learn the value of being alone, sipping bourbon and listening to Miles Davis.

Pay attention to the world around you, be a voracious reader and a critical thinker.

Question authority, but don’t be a jerk about it.

Look up a former teacher and say, “Thank you.”

It’s Daylight Saving Time, not Daylight Savings Time.

When in Rome, do as the Romans do.

Steak should always be medium rare, and coffee is best served black.

Never miss an opportunity to vote.

Go to a local Little League game, especially if you don’t know any of the players. Cheer for all of them.

Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy are as real as you want them to be. Those are just different names for Kindness, Generosity and Love.

Use your headlights while driving in the rain, even during daylight hours.

Speaking of driving, ALWAYS wear a seatbelt.

It is always better to have too much than not enough.

If you’re not five minutes early, you are ten minutes late.

Learn to count to 10 in three different languages other than your native tongue. It’s a neat bar trick and makes the girls think you’re smart.

If you’re drinking really good, expensive bourbon, try to avoid pouring it over ice.

Guiness should always be served at room temperature.

With few exceptions, the book is always better than the movie.

Remember that white, Christian people were the very first immigrants to arrive in this part of the world.

Know the difference between faith and religion.

You never help a man see your point of view by giving him a black eye.

No matter how far down the scale you have fallen, it’s NEVER too late to do something nice.

Kindness is always a choice and an option. Always.

Sweating is good for you. It is a natural way for your body to rid itself of toxins.

Owning a cat teaches you humility.

Men: try shaving your legs and underarms every day for a week so that you can better appreciate what a pain in the ass it is to be a woman.

Men: Always give up your seat for a woman left standing. Always.

When shaking hands, do so firmly with direct eye contact.

Every person should own a roll of duct-tape, a can of WD-40 and a hammer. With these tools, you can fix almost everything.

Green plants will burn. In fact, anything will burn if it gets hot enough.

There is NEVER a reason or excuse to litter.

If you have not been, go to the Grand Canyon. It cannot be described with words.

To avoid shark attacks, stay away from the ocean.

Never underestimate the value of chocolate.

If you are afraid of rollercoasters, ride the Carousel. Never be afraid to have fun.

 

For more silly observations and advice, feel free to visit my blog and website, Lessons In Mediocrity.

The views and opinions herein are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the viewpoints and opinions of Saco Bay News, its employees, publisher or advertisers. If you would like to contact the author directly: randy@randyseaver.com